Another Setback

I am not even sure what the tone of this update should be- anger? devastation? disbelief? When we first saw Stanley's picture 14 months ago, we dreamed of raising our baby son, then we came to grips that he would likely be walking and talking by the time he came home, and now, we wonder if and when he'll ever make it home. Basically, the Director of IBESR, the stage we have been stuck in and waiting for dispensation from, has stated that she will not be referring any cases for dispensation that don't meet the age requirement (35 or older), which we don't. So, we can't move on and get the signatures we need to bring Stanley home. Our agency director explained that they will continue to plead our case but we may be asked to make a personal plea when we travel in November to the director herself! I actually would welcome that opportunity- it would finally feel like we were doing something, rather than sitting and waiting. I am not good at being a passive participant. We are terrified that neither option will work, and then- where are we? Do we let Stanley sit in an orphanage for 4 years until we turn 35? Do we somehow accept that he would be better off if another family pursued him? As Michael and I walked around town crying last night, we felt such a familiar panic. It felt like someone had just told us that Blake wasn't coming home again. I don't know if we have it in us to fight again. Part of the draw to adopting internationally was that we would not be "pleading our case" or selling ourselves like with domestic adoption- and here we are, gearing up to try to convince yet one more person that we are worthy enough to be parents to our child. Of course, we have it in us. Of course we will fight for Stanley. In the meantime, we wait. And, it sucks.

Trip and updates!

Anyone who has been following our journey knows that we have been waiting since January to get out of a stage of the adoption process called IBESR. This stage was expected to take 4 months or so and until last week we hadn't heard anything about our case. As expected, we got word that our file will require presidential dispensation because we don't fit the criteria (age 35, married for 10 years) that is legally required for adoptive families. While we are happy to at least know that our file isn't stuck on a shelf somewhere, we have NO idea how long the presidential dispensation process is going to take. One day, we will just get a call that it is out. It could be tomorrow or it could be 6 months from now.

We just got word that some good friends of ours are out of IBESR and while we couldn't be happier for them, it is another reminder of how arbitrary the process is! Their file didn't require presidential dispensation even though they have been married even fewer years than we have.

On another note, we found out that instead of joining our agency on a large group trip in December, we will be traveling with 2 or 3 other families in November to visit our kids. I guess there were too many families to travel at once on this trip. No surprise as families like us have been waiting for our children for much longer than anticipated.

I have never felt comfortable asking people to help fund the adoption or the trips (although I completely understand why so many families need to do that!!!). Instead, we figure that we will ask people to help us bring donations to the orphanage when we go. If you are interested in donating items for us to bring down, let us know!

More later...

Another trip is planned!

The latest pictures of Stanley show that he is getting bigger and seems to be walking around great! He looks healthy and happy and it seems as if he is still staying at the orphanage director's house, rather than the orphanage in Les Caye. I still don't know why he was moved, but I am not complaining- I know that the environment of her home has to be better than PAC.

When we began this journey in August 2008, we thought we'd visit and meet Stanley and then we'd travel again a few months later to pick him up. Now, as we get ready to make the third "visit" trip to see our little guy, the wait is really weighing on us. We are struggling to process all that we are missing in our little guy's life. He is walking and no doubt, talking. We have just learned that our next trip will be sometime during the beginning of December. We are so excited to learn that instead of treking down to Les Caye, where the orphanage is, we will be staying in a hotel outside of Port au Prince with the kiddos! That means less travel (and traveling costs) for the parents and more time with Stanley. Apparently, this hotel is a bit nicer too.

We still have NO news about the status of his file. We have yet to exit IBESR. We try desperately, like all the parents out there, not to obsess over why some files are moving and ours hasn't. We don't even know if we need dispensation yet. Our agency coordinator assures us that after a very slow summer at IBESR, the director is back at work and she sounds hopeful that we will hear news soon.

It is starting to sink in that we will probably miss his second birthday (in April). At this point, it is taking approximately 6 months from the time you exit IBESR and we would have to exit very soon for him to be home by April. After 4 years of trying to build a family and 13 months of trying to bring him home, I am getting tired of saying "by this time next year" and not really believing it. We also now have to go through the process of updating our homestudy, getting refingerprinted, etc. because those documents will be expired before he comes home. The added costs are really just a kick in the teeth because they are a reminder that this is taking WAY longer than we had planned.

One thing we can do to help us during the wait, it to begin collecting goodies to bring to the orphanage. This time around, we have decided to try to get most of it donated so that we can keep our costs down. As always, we are collecting:

* Size 2 & 3 diapers
* Peanut butter; beef jerkey; other high-fat foods
* Baby formula
* gently used shoes- especially for toddlers learning to walk!
* Infant/toddler toys- especially those that don't require batteries
* gently used bouncy seats/Bumbo seats/playmats

As the trip dates near, I'm sure we'll want to go stock up on things to fill every space in the suitcase, so if anyone would rather give us shopping money, that is great too!

Hopefully, our next update will be an exciting one!

ANOTHER new post!

Well, after weeks and weeks of nothing to report, I am writing with another update. I am so so happy to report that our agency coordinator just called with some news about stanley. We had been so worried about his health and lack of weight gain. She told me that as per the orphanage director (Marie), herself, he now weighs 22 lbs! Also, apparently, he has been staying at Marie's house in Port au Prince (Marie always has a few kids at her place) rather than in the large orphanage in Les Caye. Our coordinator wasn't entirely sure why but one thing we know is that the kids get more one-on-one care when they stay at Marie's house. It is so wonderful to imagine him in her home rather than in the crowded infant room at PAC. I guess this doesn't sound too exciting to any one else but to us, we get to go to sleep tonight picturing him sleeping safely and soundly in a bed in a house and getting some attention. Most nights, I lay awake wondering if anyone even hears him cry or kisses him good night. She also sent another picture and our official IBESR file number (which for some reason, we never got). It is just a number and since the files don't come out sequentially, it is probably arbitrary. But again, we are holding on to whatever we can.

sorry its been so long...

I know its been a while since we've written. Mostly that is because there is NOTHING TO REPORT! Unfortunately, we have not received word on our file. We have friends whose files have entered and exited IBESR since we've been in and know at least one family who has been in IBESR since last August! We have yet to hear if we have even been sent for Presidential Dispensation yet. All this time, Stanley is not home and our paperwork is sitting on a desk somewhere!!!

The latest pictures that we received have us concerned- his hair appears in some of the pictures to have a bit of a reddish tint to it- a sure sign of malnutrition for black people. We are also concerned b/c it doesn't appear that he has gained any weight in the past three months. We have asked our agency coordinator to follow-up with the orphanage to get a better handle on his health. It is terrifying to wait each day for someone else to tell you if your child is healthy and then wonder if they are telling you the whole story.

We are gearing up for another visit- hopefully in October/November. We are literally dying to get the travel plans and start planning. We are, once again, beginning the process of collecting stuff to take with us. We know that the children have some things that they always need:

* Toys for toddlers/babies
* Formula
* Diapers- especially size 3
* shoes- especially for toddlers just learning to walk!
* over-the-counter medicine
* high fat foods (peanut butter, beef jerkey, etc.)

We are thinking about setting up a paypal account so that people can donate money for us to buy stuff for the trip. I'll update on that as soon as possible.

In the meantime, we celebrate with our friends Kendra and John, who are bringing home their two boys next month from Haiti and to all the other families who are that much closer to being complete. Please keep little Stanley (and his damn file!) in your thoughts and prayers!

Birth Parent Interview!

A small victory but that is what we live for these days... Last week, Stanley's birthmother went to the US embassy and had an official interview, which is basically her last step in the process. I can't help but feel for her as I cannot imagine her sense of loss. This step was part of the U.S. immigration requirements and doesn't really change our timeline at all but it is still one more thing to cross off the list!

We are also celebrating the exciting news that one of our dear friends, Donna, mom to Stanley's best bud in Haiti, Evans, just found out that her file has exited IBESR! This is a MAJOR step forward and hopefully, it means that he will be coming home before Christmas. Unfortunately, it also reminds us that we will likely be waiting for an indefinate amount of time- Evans' file was submitted 2 months after ours but didn't need the dispensation that we described in an earlier post. We have yet to receive word if we have even entered that dispensation process, which is adding at least three months to the timeline! Feeling desperate and down today as we wait for any word.

We do have a new picture to share with you! We have signed up for a monthly service in which this woman, named Granny Bin, visits with Stanley for a hour or so and sends us updated pictures and measurements. Unfortunately, he looked pretty unhappy in many of the shots. He is a bit wary of strangers at this point... Check out the hair do...

We're back!

Finally, almost two weeks after we got back, I have the energy to write about our trip. This time, it has been much harder to return to "life as usual" and compartmentalize our grief over being apart from our son. I wake up thinking of him, think about him most of the day, and fall asleep dreaming of him. I am obsessed with checking my email and phone- hoping for good news that his file is out of IBESR, although I know it is unlikely. Just before we left for Haiti, we got word that we will likely be referred for something called a Presidential Dispensation (pardon) for the age requirement (officially 35-50 years old for adoptive parents). This requirement has largely been waived in recent years but the new Director of IBESR has reinstated this stage, adding unknown months to the process. We are trying to prepare ourselves for the reality that he will not be home in 2009. We had hoped this last visit was our last "visit" and that our next trip to Haiti would be to bring him home. For more information about the process and what is happening with Haiti adoptions, check out http://allforchildrenhaiti.blogspot.com/2009/05/haitian-adoption-process.html About the trip... It was, of course, amazing to be with him again! Stanley has grown (although not as much as we expected) and seems to be doing well. He was sick for the first day or two we were there and I began to panic that he was sick and noone was there to take care of him. We started to wonder if that is why is was so skinny and if he hadn't gotten markedly better by the time we left, I am sure I would be a basketcase right now! He did get better and his little personality came right back! He is trying to walk and is still a great snuggler!!! We've added some pictures and videos to the blog so you can check it out for yourself... Traveling to Haiti is always an adventure and this time, we got to ride in a pink bus tricked out with portraits of jesus, a small charter plane and a tap tap (which is basically a pickup truck with people jammed into the back. They call it a "tap tap" because you can tap the sides to get on and off when traveling in the cities. When we arrived at the orphanage, Stanley was a little unsure of us and we spent a few hours just holding him and letting him get used to us again. Although we had been cautioned that he may not feel comfortable coming back to the hotel with us again, we did bring him back with us and it was there where we knew he felt at home. He LOVES sleeping with his daddy and I snapped lots of photos of the two of them sound asleep in our dinky little hotel room. Speaking of hotel rooms... ours was much smaller than our last trip and this time without a fridge, with a faulty light switch and an easily clogged toilet. We spent the first day at the orphanage and watched as families reunited or met their children for the first time. The whole day seemed surreal because we were less overwhelmed at the conditions, less devastated by the sight of the families we met who were dropping off their children at the orphanage, but our hearts ached more because we knew how hard leaving was going to be.