We're home again

As I look back at the post that we wrote after our first trip, I realize that I sound so overwhelmed but optimistic. Now, I think it is the polar opposite. This trip was so much calmer and more relaxed and yet, I don’t think we are any closer to bringing Stanley home.

Most importantly, he looks good. He has obviously gained some weight and he seems to be pretty strong. The monthly updates we get said that he was only 29 inches tall- which was way off the growth charts. When we measured him, it was closer to 31, small but on the charts. His belly is still super swollen, which everyone assures me will shrink soon after he gets home. He had a really bad tummy again on this trip and it is hard to know whether he is frequently sick or its because of the change in his diet/routine when he is with us.

Although he wants desperately to walk, he needs to hold onto something or someone to take more than two or three steps. Our friend, Donna, who traveled with us brought her son, Evans a little push toy that he used all week and seemed to love the freedom! When we dropped him back off at the orphanage, the director seemed surprised as how mobile he was with it. Hopefully, they will encourage him to use it so he can get around. We get the impression that the kids don’t get a lot of exercise unless they can walk on their own and keep up with the "big kids."

Since we were traveling with just two other families and the kids were waiting in Port au Prince, there was a lot less coordination that was needed. We flew into Fort Lauderdale on Thursday night and slept for a few hours before flying to PAP early Friday morning. When we landed, we bought a Digicel cell phone and minutes that we could use to make national and international calls. We couldn’t believe how easy it was! Our trusty driver/friend was waiting for us as promised. We went straight to the O Director’s house, where the kids were waiting. We arrived and found out she was not there but that the nannies would get the kids and bring them to us. We must have waited for 20 minutes- we have learned that the nannies want to bathe and dress the kids for us. Of course, we are just dying waiting to see them!! Finally, a woman walks into the room holding our little man. He looks scared, with his thumb in his mouth like always. I take him and rock and sing to him for a while. By the time we leave her house, he seems pretty comfortable with me and ok around Mike. He is quiet and doesn’t smile but there are no tears. For the next few hours, we do our best to reassure him. Its hard to realize that he is scared of us and has no idea how much we love him.

For the first time, I am wondering if it is better not to come. If he is better off without the disruption and if we are better off not witnessing his fear of us- and his lack of recognition. That night, we realize that Stanley is NOT a good sleeper. He tosses and turns and moans all night long. At some point we wonder if he is having night terrors! None of us get any sleep and I awake feeling like this could be a long trip.

I’m not sure when it happened but somewhere between that morning and the end of our trip, Stanley came to life! I remember when I saw the beginning of a smile and then when we heard his first giggle. We started to hear words (in Kreyol so it was hard to figure out what they meant). He loved to hand us his toys and say “Men,“ (pronounced “Meh”) which means “here” or “take it.“ Nothing prepared us for the first time we heard him say “daddy” and “dadda,” which means mommy. The first time he cried and reached for me when Donna was holding him, I pretended to laugh but I really wanted to cry. The fact that he was so timid at first and that we have to cram all of our memories of him into a few days per year made these milestones more momentous.

One other unbelievable moment was when we Skyped with my family. For the first time, they were able to see, hear, and talk to our son. He was laughing and talking and hitting the computer and for a moment, it all seemed real. As if he really will come home one day. Right now, we are so scared. We are waiting desperately for word that the IBESR Director will refer us for dispensation- at this point, she is still indicating that she isn’t willing to refer anyone who is under 35. We were hoping to get the chance to meet directly with the director (at the recommendation of our facilitator) during our visit. As of now, our agency coordinator is scheduled to meet with the director during her visit next week. To be honest, I don’t have much faith that the meeting will take place OR that it will be productive.

In talking to other families that are adopting from other orphanages, we are starting to get nervous. While we absolutely believe that our O director and our agency coordinator are trying THEIR hardest, we have been told a few times that the IBESR lawyer that your O works with makes a BIG difference in whether or not "difficult" cases get processed. Maybe it doesn't matter what our facilitator or agency coordinator does and, instead, some IBESR lawyer? We don't want to rock the boat and risk stepping on anyone's toes but how can we find this out?

We are comforted by a few things- that we have yet to meet or talk to anyone whose adoption DID NOT go through- although there are horror stories of adoptions taking 3, 4 and 5 years... and, noone else seems to be panicking about our file. On the other hand, why should anyone else panic? It's our son and our family and as hard as everyone tries to understand, we have to carry that weight, this fear, ourselves.

We had the pleasure of traveling with Julie and Paul who are adopting the three loveliest brothers (ages 3 and 4) and Donna, with her son, Evans. Both families are out of IBESR and we are optimistic that they will be bringing their children home in the next few months. We also learned that in the next few weeks, two of the families we met on our December trip will be traveling to pick up their children! What is becoming increasingly difficult is the fact that most of the other families we have met through this process seem to be moving along fine. We said at the beginning that adopting internationally was so much less lonely than our experience with Blake. But, now, once again, as other families prepare to welcome their children home, our family is being left behind. We recognize that we don't have a monopoly on difficult adoption experiences- but, still, right now- this sucks.

We'll post some more pictures and a few videos soon.

We're packing!

Its impossible to describe how we are feeling right now- I am so anxious about this trip but so excited to see Stanley and be back in Haiti. I am terrified about the meeting that our faciltator has arranged between us and the Director of IBESR. We are supposed to meet with her and somehow try to convey our love for Stanley and our worthiness as parents? How do we do that? How do we communicate (through a translator) how we fell in love with him the moment we saw his picture? How do we articulate the sheer joy we felt the first time we held him or woke up with him between us? How can we capture the sense of peace and completeness that we feel when we talk about him? And there is really no way to describe the devastation that we feel each time we say goodbye. I don't know how to make her understand that we are capable of being good parents to Stanley and that her rules don't make sense (without losing my temper).

What if she refuses? What if we have to keep visiting our son indefinately while this plays out? What if he loses more of his childhood?

We leave on Thursday, November 19th for Fort Lauderdale and then on to Port au Prince on Friday. We'll be taking four suitcases packed full of donations (mostly from neighborhood moms). Not sure if we'll post again before we leave and, as always, it may take us a few days to "reenter" the world and get back online. We'll let you know how it all goes! Thanks to everyone for their thoughts, good vibes, prayers, and love.

Another Setback

I am not even sure what the tone of this update should be- anger? devastation? disbelief? When we first saw Stanley's picture 14 months ago, we dreamed of raising our baby son, then we came to grips that he would likely be walking and talking by the time he came home, and now, we wonder if and when he'll ever make it home. Basically, the Director of IBESR, the stage we have been stuck in and waiting for dispensation from, has stated that she will not be referring any cases for dispensation that don't meet the age requirement (35 or older), which we don't. So, we can't move on and get the signatures we need to bring Stanley home. Our agency director explained that they will continue to plead our case but we may be asked to make a personal plea when we travel in November to the director herself! I actually would welcome that opportunity- it would finally feel like we were doing something, rather than sitting and waiting. I am not good at being a passive participant. We are terrified that neither option will work, and then- where are we? Do we let Stanley sit in an orphanage for 4 years until we turn 35? Do we somehow accept that he would be better off if another family pursued him? As Michael and I walked around town crying last night, we felt such a familiar panic. It felt like someone had just told us that Blake wasn't coming home again. I don't know if we have it in us to fight again. Part of the draw to adopting internationally was that we would not be "pleading our case" or selling ourselves like with domestic adoption- and here we are, gearing up to try to convince yet one more person that we are worthy enough to be parents to our child. Of course, we have it in us. Of course we will fight for Stanley. In the meantime, we wait. And, it sucks.

Trip and updates!

Anyone who has been following our journey knows that we have been waiting since January to get out of a stage of the adoption process called IBESR. This stage was expected to take 4 months or so and until last week we hadn't heard anything about our case. As expected, we got word that our file will require presidential dispensation because we don't fit the criteria (age 35, married for 10 years) that is legally required for adoptive families. While we are happy to at least know that our file isn't stuck on a shelf somewhere, we have NO idea how long the presidential dispensation process is going to take. One day, we will just get a call that it is out. It could be tomorrow or it could be 6 months from now.

We just got word that some good friends of ours are out of IBESR and while we couldn't be happier for them, it is another reminder of how arbitrary the process is! Their file didn't require presidential dispensation even though they have been married even fewer years than we have.

On another note, we found out that instead of joining our agency on a large group trip in December, we will be traveling with 2 or 3 other families in November to visit our kids. I guess there were too many families to travel at once on this trip. No surprise as families like us have been waiting for our children for much longer than anticipated.

I have never felt comfortable asking people to help fund the adoption or the trips (although I completely understand why so many families need to do that!!!). Instead, we figure that we will ask people to help us bring donations to the orphanage when we go. If you are interested in donating items for us to bring down, let us know!

More later...

Another trip is planned!

The latest pictures of Stanley show that he is getting bigger and seems to be walking around great! He looks healthy and happy and it seems as if he is still staying at the orphanage director's house, rather than the orphanage in Les Caye. I still don't know why he was moved, but I am not complaining- I know that the environment of her home has to be better than PAC.

When we began this journey in August 2008, we thought we'd visit and meet Stanley and then we'd travel again a few months later to pick him up. Now, as we get ready to make the third "visit" trip to see our little guy, the wait is really weighing on us. We are struggling to process all that we are missing in our little guy's life. He is walking and no doubt, talking. We have just learned that our next trip will be sometime during the beginning of December. We are so excited to learn that instead of treking down to Les Caye, where the orphanage is, we will be staying in a hotel outside of Port au Prince with the kiddos! That means less travel (and traveling costs) for the parents and more time with Stanley. Apparently, this hotel is a bit nicer too.

We still have NO news about the status of his file. We have yet to exit IBESR. We try desperately, like all the parents out there, not to obsess over why some files are moving and ours hasn't. We don't even know if we need dispensation yet. Our agency coordinator assures us that after a very slow summer at IBESR, the director is back at work and she sounds hopeful that we will hear news soon.

It is starting to sink in that we will probably miss his second birthday (in April). At this point, it is taking approximately 6 months from the time you exit IBESR and we would have to exit very soon for him to be home by April. After 4 years of trying to build a family and 13 months of trying to bring him home, I am getting tired of saying "by this time next year" and not really believing it. We also now have to go through the process of updating our homestudy, getting refingerprinted, etc. because those documents will be expired before he comes home. The added costs are really just a kick in the teeth because they are a reminder that this is taking WAY longer than we had planned.

One thing we can do to help us during the wait, it to begin collecting goodies to bring to the orphanage. This time around, we have decided to try to get most of it donated so that we can keep our costs down. As always, we are collecting:

* Size 2 & 3 diapers
* Peanut butter; beef jerkey; other high-fat foods
* Baby formula
* gently used shoes- especially for toddlers learning to walk!
* Infant/toddler toys- especially those that don't require batteries
* gently used bouncy seats/Bumbo seats/playmats

As the trip dates near, I'm sure we'll want to go stock up on things to fill every space in the suitcase, so if anyone would rather give us shopping money, that is great too!

Hopefully, our next update will be an exciting one!

ANOTHER new post!

Well, after weeks and weeks of nothing to report, I am writing with another update. I am so so happy to report that our agency coordinator just called with some news about stanley. We had been so worried about his health and lack of weight gain. She told me that as per the orphanage director (Marie), herself, he now weighs 22 lbs! Also, apparently, he has been staying at Marie's house in Port au Prince (Marie always has a few kids at her place) rather than in the large orphanage in Les Caye. Our coordinator wasn't entirely sure why but one thing we know is that the kids get more one-on-one care when they stay at Marie's house. It is so wonderful to imagine him in her home rather than in the crowded infant room at PAC. I guess this doesn't sound too exciting to any one else but to us, we get to go to sleep tonight picturing him sleeping safely and soundly in a bed in a house and getting some attention. Most nights, I lay awake wondering if anyone even hears him cry or kisses him good night. She also sent another picture and our official IBESR file number (which for some reason, we never got). It is just a number and since the files don't come out sequentially, it is probably arbitrary. But again, we are holding on to whatever we can.

sorry its been so long...

I know its been a while since we've written. Mostly that is because there is NOTHING TO REPORT! Unfortunately, we have not received word on our file. We have friends whose files have entered and exited IBESR since we've been in and know at least one family who has been in IBESR since last August! We have yet to hear if we have even been sent for Presidential Dispensation yet. All this time, Stanley is not home and our paperwork is sitting on a desk somewhere!!!

The latest pictures that we received have us concerned- his hair appears in some of the pictures to have a bit of a reddish tint to it- a sure sign of malnutrition for black people. We are also concerned b/c it doesn't appear that he has gained any weight in the past three months. We have asked our agency coordinator to follow-up with the orphanage to get a better handle on his health. It is terrifying to wait each day for someone else to tell you if your child is healthy and then wonder if they are telling you the whole story.

We are gearing up for another visit- hopefully in October/November. We are literally dying to get the travel plans and start planning. We are, once again, beginning the process of collecting stuff to take with us. We know that the children have some things that they always need:

* Toys for toddlers/babies
* Formula
* Diapers- especially size 3
* shoes- especially for toddlers just learning to walk!
* over-the-counter medicine
* high fat foods (peanut butter, beef jerkey, etc.)

We are thinking about setting up a paypal account so that people can donate money for us to buy stuff for the trip. I'll update on that as soon as possible.

In the meantime, we celebrate with our friends Kendra and John, who are bringing home their two boys next month from Haiti and to all the other families who are that much closer to being complete. Please keep little Stanley (and his damn file!) in your thoughts and prayers!

Birth Parent Interview!

A small victory but that is what we live for these days... Last week, Stanley's birthmother went to the US embassy and had an official interview, which is basically her last step in the process. I can't help but feel for her as I cannot imagine her sense of loss. This step was part of the U.S. immigration requirements and doesn't really change our timeline at all but it is still one more thing to cross off the list!

We are also celebrating the exciting news that one of our dear friends, Donna, mom to Stanley's best bud in Haiti, Evans, just found out that her file has exited IBESR! This is a MAJOR step forward and hopefully, it means that he will be coming home before Christmas. Unfortunately, it also reminds us that we will likely be waiting for an indefinate amount of time- Evans' file was submitted 2 months after ours but didn't need the dispensation that we described in an earlier post. We have yet to receive word if we have even entered that dispensation process, which is adding at least three months to the timeline! Feeling desperate and down today as we wait for any word.

We do have a new picture to share with you! We have signed up for a monthly service in which this woman, named Granny Bin, visits with Stanley for a hour or so and sends us updated pictures and measurements. Unfortunately, he looked pretty unhappy in many of the shots. He is a bit wary of strangers at this point... Check out the hair do...

We're back!

Finally, almost two weeks after we got back, I have the energy to write about our trip. This time, it has been much harder to return to "life as usual" and compartmentalize our grief over being apart from our son. I wake up thinking of him, think about him most of the day, and fall asleep dreaming of him. I am obsessed with checking my email and phone- hoping for good news that his file is out of IBESR, although I know it is unlikely. Just before we left for Haiti, we got word that we will likely be referred for something called a Presidential Dispensation (pardon) for the age requirement (officially 35-50 years old for adoptive parents). This requirement has largely been waived in recent years but the new Director of IBESR has reinstated this stage, adding unknown months to the process. We are trying to prepare ourselves for the reality that he will not be home in 2009. We had hoped this last visit was our last "visit" and that our next trip to Haiti would be to bring him home. For more information about the process and what is happening with Haiti adoptions, check out http://allforchildrenhaiti.blogspot.com/2009/05/haitian-adoption-process.html About the trip... It was, of course, amazing to be with him again! Stanley has grown (although not as much as we expected) and seems to be doing well. He was sick for the first day or two we were there and I began to panic that he was sick and noone was there to take care of him. We started to wonder if that is why is was so skinny and if he hadn't gotten markedly better by the time we left, I am sure I would be a basketcase right now! He did get better and his little personality came right back! He is trying to walk and is still a great snuggler!!! We've added some pictures and videos to the blog so you can check it out for yourself... Traveling to Haiti is always an adventure and this time, we got to ride in a pink bus tricked out with portraits of jesus, a small charter plane and a tap tap (which is basically a pickup truck with people jammed into the back. They call it a "tap tap" because you can tap the sides to get on and off when traveling in the cities. When we arrived at the orphanage, Stanley was a little unsure of us and we spent a few hours just holding him and letting him get used to us again. Although we had been cautioned that he may not feel comfortable coming back to the hotel with us again, we did bring him back with us and it was there where we knew he felt at home. He LOVES sleeping with his daddy and I snapped lots of photos of the two of them sound asleep in our dinky little hotel room. Speaking of hotel rooms... ours was much smaller than our last trip and this time without a fridge, with a faulty light switch and an easily clogged toilet. We spent the first day at the orphanage and watched as families reunited or met their children for the first time. The whole day seemed surreal because we were less overwhelmed at the conditions, less devastated by the sight of the families we met who were dropping off their children at the orphanage, but our hearts ached more because we knew how hard leaving was going to be.

Finally- some news!!!

We are so happy to be able to post with some news! Besides being over the moon about getting to visit Stanley this upcoming weekend (!!!), we got some good news this week. During our last trip, we had planned on signing something called a I-600; however, right before we left, we learned that our agency coordinator was recommending having Stanley's DNA test completed before we sign because it would expedite the process at the end. While disapointed, we were assured that this would not add any time to the complete process. Well, since December, there have been many many attempts to get the test done. Stanley's birthmother needed to be present and they had to track her down and get the two of them in Port Au Prince at the same time, schedule an appointment, and hope that the government labs didn't decide to close on that day. Long story short, after four months of waiting to hear that it was done- we got word on Friday that it is! Basically, if all goes well, we will be able to sign next Tuesday at 11 AM. Another step down.

As far as IBESR (the long stage of the process we are in), we got word that Haiti's social services was in the final stages of processing our file. We were asked to send a supplemental letter clarifying our relationship length so we are hopeful that what we sent them suffices. IF we can get out of this stage soon, it is approximately another 6 months until Stanley can come home, BUT at least we will be on our way. So, fingers crossed we get some more good news soon!

As for our trip, we fly to Fort Lauderdale on Friday night and on to Port Au Prince on Saturday morning. Our group is chartering a plane to Les Caye (where the orphanage is) on Saturday and will return to PAP on Tuesday morning (in time for our signing appointment). That means only 2 1/2 days with our little guy but we can't wait!!!

Thanks to those of you who have offered to send stuff down with us for the orphanage- we finally got a list of their latest needs. We don't ever expect people to contribute but if you are interested, let us know. Or, if you want to send us a check, we'll make sure to buy good stuff on your behalf.... As of now, the orphanage is very low on:
* over the counter meds
* cloth diapers
* flip flops
* baby wipes
* peanut butter
* canned meat
* school supplies
* picture books with simple English
* lotion
* hair accessories for girls
* vitamins
* crib sheets
* toys for the babies
* twin bed sheets

Again, please DO NOT feel obligated to do anything! We'll be doing our major shopping Wednesday night.

I'm sure when we get back next Tuesday night, we'll need a few days to decompress and then we'll be sure to upload new pictures! Thanks for following this journey!

Trip #2 is scheduled!!!

We have just booked our flights to go see Stanley the first weekend in May! We are so excited to get our hands on him again! We can't imagine how big he has gotten- how many things we have already missed. Is he walking? Is he talking? Its so strange not to know the answers to those questions.

We also got some interesting news regarding the stage our file is in right now (IBESR). Some of the families are moving through the process in record time but others (primarily those with biological children at home) are being held up for another set of signatures. One family has been waiting in IBESR (normally 2-6 months) for almost 10 months! We are hoping that we are put in the fast track pile but have no idea if we are or whether or not we'll find out. Also, we had hoped to sign what is known as our I600s when we travel but we are still waiting on the DNA tests on his birthmother (to verify her identify and right to place him for adoption). Apparently, having the DNA tests done prior to the signing of the I600 will make things go smoother at the tail end of this whole process. This is supposedly being done in the next two weeks but, as with all things in Haiti, we will just have to wait and see. We are not good at waiting.

Something we can control is what we bring with us again! Last time, we filled up all 4 suitcases with donations for the orphanage and crammed our stuff into backpacks. We are going to try to do the same thing again. I'm waiting to hear what the greatest needs are right now but formula, hygiene products, over the counter medicine, and educational toys are always in need. PLEASE do not feel like you need to buy anything but lots of people have asked me how they can help. Some people have also asked if they can make donations to the orphanage. I think I would feel more comfortable if we took any collected money and purchased some stuff to take down there rather than traveling with lots of cash.

Lastly, Stanley's 1st birthday is coming up on March 9th. Unlike most little boys, he won't get to spend it surrounded by his family and friends. Try to remember to send him some happy thoughts on his special day. Hopefully, he will be able to feel all the love that we are sending his way!

IBESR!

Finally, we have something else to report! We just received word that Stanley's file has been officially entered into IBESR- Haiti's Social Services Dept. This is the longest stage of the process (averaging around 2-6 months). When our file gets out of IBESR, we'll have a much better idea of the timeline. The first stage is averaging 8-10 weeks right now and we were out in 8 so we are encouraged. The next few months might be some of the longest- b/c it will feel like nothing is happening.

As for our trip in March- our agency has decided to postpone the trip until April or May so we don't know details yet. We are obviously disapointed that we have to wait even longer to see Stanley again and crushed that we will be missing his first birthday- on March 9th! We had gotten our hopes up that we wouldn't miss this milestone. Somehow, the part of the journey that hurts seems to change daily. Right now, we are angry that we can't be with him on his birthday, on other days, we worry about his health. Sometimes, hours go by when we don't think or talk about Stanley and then there is the guilt that comes with that.

Thanks to everyone who has offered to donate something for PAC, we'll keep you posted as the trip gets closer. For now, we celebrate the small victories!!!