As I look back at the post that we wrote after our first trip, I realize that I sound so overwhelmed but optimistic. Now, I think it is the polar opposite. This trip was so much calmer and more relaxed and yet, I don’t think we are any closer to bringing Stanley home.
Most importantly, he looks good. He has obviously gained some weight and he seems to be pretty strong. The monthly updates we get said that he was only 29 inches tall- which was way off the growth charts. When we measured him, it was closer to 31, small but on the charts. His belly is still super swollen, which everyone assures me will shrink soon after he gets home. He had a really bad tummy again on this trip and it is hard to know whether he is frequently sick or its because of the change in his diet/routine when he is with us.
Although he wants desperately to walk, he needs to hold onto something or someone to take more than two or three steps. Our friend, Donna, who traveled with us brought her son, Evans a little push toy that he used all week and seemed to love the freedom! When we dropped him back off at the orphanage, the director seemed surprised as how mobile he was with it. Hopefully, they will encourage him to use it so he can get around. We get the impression that the kids don’t get a lot of exercise unless they can walk on their own and keep up with the "big kids."
Since we were traveling with just two other families and the kids were waiting in Port au Prince, there was a lot less coordination that was needed. We flew into Fort Lauderdale on Thursday night and slept for a few hours before flying to PAP early Friday morning. When we landed, we bought a Digicel cell phone and minutes that we could use to make national and international calls. We couldn’t believe how easy it was! Our trusty driver/friend was waiting for us as promised. We went straight to the O Director’s house, where the kids were waiting. We arrived and found out she was not there but that the nannies would get the kids and bring them to us. We must have waited for 20 minutes- we have learned that the nannies want to bathe and dress the kids for us. Of course, we are just dying waiting to see them!! Finally, a woman walks into the room holding our little man. He looks scared, with his thumb in his mouth like always. I take him and rock and sing to him for a while. By the time we leave her house, he seems pretty comfortable with me and ok around Mike. He is quiet and doesn’t smile but there are no tears. For the next few hours, we do our best to reassure him. Its hard to realize that he is scared of us and has no idea how much we love him.
For the first time, I am wondering if it is better not to come. If he is better off without the disruption and if we are better off not witnessing his fear of us- and his lack of recognition. That night, we realize that Stanley is NOT a good sleeper. He tosses and turns and moans all night long. At some point we wonder if he is having night terrors! None of us get any sleep and I awake feeling like this could be a long trip.
I’m not sure when it happened but somewhere between that morning and the end of our trip, Stanley came to life! I remember when I saw the beginning of a smile and then when we heard his first giggle. We started to hear words (in Kreyol so it was hard to figure out what they meant). He loved to hand us his toys and say “Men,“ (pronounced “Meh”) which means “here” or “take it.“ Nothing prepared us for the first time we heard him say “daddy” and “dadda,” which means mommy. The first time he cried and reached for me when Donna was holding him, I pretended to laugh but I really wanted to cry. The fact that he was so timid at first and that we have to cram all of our memories of him into a few days per year made these milestones more momentous.
One other unbelievable moment was when we Skyped with my family. For the first time, they were able to see, hear, and talk to our son. He was laughing and talking and hitting the computer and for a moment, it all seemed real. As if he really will come home one day. Right now, we are so scared. We are waiting desperately for word that the IBESR Director will refer us for dispensation- at this point, she is still indicating that she isn’t willing to refer anyone who is under 35. We were hoping to get the chance to meet directly with the director (at the recommendation of our facilitator) during our visit. As of now, our agency coordinator is scheduled to meet with the director during her visit next week. To be honest, I don’t have much faith that the meeting will take place OR that it will be productive.
In talking to other families that are adopting from other orphanages, we are starting to get nervous. While we absolutely believe that our O director and our agency coordinator are trying THEIR hardest, we have been told a few times that the IBESR lawyer that your O works with makes a BIG difference in whether or not "difficult" cases get processed. Maybe it doesn't matter what our facilitator or agency coordinator does and, instead, some IBESR lawyer? We don't want to rock the boat and risk stepping on anyone's toes but how can we find this out?
We are comforted by a few things- that we have yet to meet or talk to anyone whose adoption DID NOT go through- although there are horror stories of adoptions taking 3, 4 and 5 years... and, noone else seems to be panicking about our file. On the other hand, why should anyone else panic? It's our son and our family and as hard as everyone tries to understand, we have to carry that weight, this fear, ourselves.
We had the pleasure of traveling with Julie and Paul who are adopting the three loveliest brothers (ages 3 and 4) and Donna, with her son, Evans. Both families are out of IBESR and we are optimistic that they will be bringing their children home in the next few months. We also learned that in the next few weeks, two of the families we met on our December trip will be traveling to pick up their children! What is becoming increasingly difficult is the fact that most of the other families we have met through this process seem to be moving along fine. We said at the beginning that adopting internationally was so much less lonely than our experience with Blake. But, now, once again, as other families prepare to welcome their children home, our family is being left behind. We recognize that we don't have a monopoly on difficult adoption experiences- but, still, right now- this sucks.
We'll post some more pictures and a few videos soon.
