Another Setback

I am not even sure what the tone of this update should be- anger? devastation? disbelief? When we first saw Stanley's picture 14 months ago, we dreamed of raising our baby son, then we came to grips that he would likely be walking and talking by the time he came home, and now, we wonder if and when he'll ever make it home. Basically, the Director of IBESR, the stage we have been stuck in and waiting for dispensation from, has stated that she will not be referring any cases for dispensation that don't meet the age requirement (35 or older), which we don't. So, we can't move on and get the signatures we need to bring Stanley home. Our agency director explained that they will continue to plead our case but we may be asked to make a personal plea when we travel in November to the director herself! I actually would welcome that opportunity- it would finally feel like we were doing something, rather than sitting and waiting. I am not good at being a passive participant. We are terrified that neither option will work, and then- where are we? Do we let Stanley sit in an orphanage for 4 years until we turn 35? Do we somehow accept that he would be better off if another family pursued him? As Michael and I walked around town crying last night, we felt such a familiar panic. It felt like someone had just told us that Blake wasn't coming home again. I don't know if we have it in us to fight again. Part of the draw to adopting internationally was that we would not be "pleading our case" or selling ourselves like with domestic adoption- and here we are, gearing up to try to convince yet one more person that we are worthy enough to be parents to our child. Of course, we have it in us. Of course we will fight for Stanley. In the meantime, we wait. And, it sucks.